• Nan is very house proud and is always cleaning. She says that the toilet is so clean I can eat my dinner off it
  • I see that teachers don’t like Ofsted giving their schools one-word reviews. Ironic really when teachers have been giving kids one letter reviews for years
  • “So this is Christmas and what have you done?”
    Seriously, what have you been doing all year? I’ve been round at Nan’s eating some of her bottom scrapings
  • Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? I really can’t tell as I’m deaf in one ear and have tinnitus in the other
  • Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away – that’s really irresponsible of you given the state of the NHS, and I had to find a new heart to replace mine